He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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