She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
