Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
