i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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