So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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