First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
