your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
