I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
