You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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