Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
