I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
