I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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