I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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