Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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