Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
