Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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