do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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