Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
