i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I could make wine with my vomit
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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