I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
