Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
