Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
