i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
