I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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