Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
