i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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