watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
send nudes
from the living room?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
