So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
