I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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