You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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