i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
