I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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