Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
