She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
