HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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