Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
