I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
