my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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