im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My bed smells like the plague
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
