so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is my gift to your gina
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
