Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
