I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
