allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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