I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
