guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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