i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
