unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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