drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
