There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
