You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
