Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
