I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
